Stage One
Meeting with God
Something has happened in a relationship — and it matters enough that you're here. Before you go to them, come here first. This guide walks you through the inner work that must happen before the conversation.
Peace Pursuit is a biblical peacemaking framework rooted in Matthew 18 and Galatians 6. It assumes conflict is an opportunity for spiritual growth — not just a problem to solve. The model has three stages: Meet with God, Go to the Person, and Seek Wise Counsel. This tool covers Stage 1 — the most important and most often skipped.
Set aside 30–45 minutes of quiet. Nothing you write here is transmitted or stored anywhere — not on a server, not on your device. When you close this tab, everything is gone. You can save a backup file at the end.
"If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all."Romans 12:18
This tool is a spiritual preparation aid, not a substitute for professional counseling, legal advice, or your organization's grievance process.
Version 1.0 · Based on the Peace Pursuit framework · Last reviewed March 2026
Step 1
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts."Psalm 139:23–24
Before you analyze, before you strategize — bring this to God honestly. Bring whatever you're carrying: the anger, the grief, the confusion. God can hold all of it.
Write in whatever language feels most natural to you — your heart language, your team's shared language, or a mix. This is between you and God.
A few sentences is plenty. You can always come back.
If you need permission to grieve:
"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?"
Psalm 13:1 — Lament is not doubt. It is faith pressed to its limits, still speaking to God.
Step 2
First — does any of this describe your situation?
If none apply, continue below.
Most conflicts involve mutual hurt. Choose the side that feels most true right now — you can hold complexity later.
Step 3
Write what happened as plainly as you can. Your feelings matter — we'll get to them. Right now, just the facts.
Specific words, actions, events — not your interpretation of them yet.
A few sentences is plenty. You can always come back.
Now step back from the story. What kind of problem is this?
Try this: Name 5 things you can see. 4 you can touch. 3 you can hear. Take a few slow breaths. Your responses will be here when you return.
Step 4
Most resentment lives in the gap between what we expected and what we got. Were those expectations fair?
In many cultures, expectations are communicated through shared understanding, group norms, or intermediaries rather than explicit verbal statements. An unstated expectation is not automatically an unfair one.
The CLLR test
Before you bring an expectation to someone, test it. Was it Clearly understood — whether spoken directly, implied through context, or embedded in shared norms? Is it Legitimate (not just a preference)? Is it Loving (seeking their good)? Is it Reasonable (considering their capacity and context)?
Step 5
Not every offense requires a conversation. Some call for courage; others call for grace.
If you're emotionally flooded, pause. Decisions made in high emotion are often ones we regret.
Weigh these honestly:
"If your brother or sister sins against you, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over."Matthew 18:15The goal is winning the person, not winning the argument.
In many cultures and biblical examples, a respected third party opens the door for reconciliation — not as escalation, but as the first and most honoring approach.
"Abigail went to David on behalf of her household, and her wise mediation prevented bloodshed."1 Samuel 25"It is a person's glory to overlook an offense."Proverbs 19:11Overlooking an offense can be deeply courageous — as long as it's not driven by fear. Be honest: are you releasing this, or avoiding it?
Important: Releasing an offense is a personal spiritual act. It does not mean the behavior was acceptable, and it does not remove your right to raise a formal concern.
That's wise. Before continuing, reach out to your member care provider, pastor, or a trusted counselor. You can save your progress and return after that conversation.
Step 6
You've made your decision. Before you act on it, there's one more honest look to take — not to undo what you chose, but to make sure you carry it cleanly.
Seeing clearly means seeing your part honestly — including the possibility that you don't have one.
"Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own?"Matthew 7:3
If a trusted friend watched the whole thing unfold, what would they say you missed?
A few sentences is plenty. You can always come back.
Name 5 things you can see. 4 you can touch. 3 you can hear. Take a few slow breaths. Your work is saved automatically.
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us."1 John 1:9
God promises that when we confess, He is faithful to forgive.
"As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us." — Psalm 103:12
Take responsibility for what is genuinely yours. Name what you did and its impact. You can provide context without making excuses — the difference is whether the context serves understanding or self-protection.
Step 7
You've just looked honestly at your own part. Take a breath. This next step asks something different.
Begin releasing this person to God. Forgiveness may also mean restoring harmony within your shared community — not just settling your own heart. You may need to re-make this decision many times. That is not failure — it is faithfulness.
"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."Colossians 3:13
Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. It does not mean the behavior was acceptable. It does not mean you must trust this person again. If the harm is ongoing, your first obligation is safety, not forgiveness.
Before you write, sit with these questions:
When you've sat with those questions, write below.
A few sentences is plenty. You can always come back.
You can only give what you've received. Before checking these, remember: God forgave you at infinite cost, before you were ready, and while you were still resistant.
Where are you right now?
Not being ready is not the same as refusing. Grief takes time.
This is common and honest. Premature forgiveness can do more harm than forcing yourself.
Talk with a counselor or member care provider. If you don't have one, contact your sending church or your organization's home office.
You can save your progress and return to this step when you're ready.
In some cultures, forgiveness is communal — it requires a mediator, a witness, or a ritual of reconciliation, not just an internal decision. Consider what forgiveness looks like to them, not just to you.
You've indicated you're not ready yet. You can continue to the summary — your honesty here is part of the process. Or save your progress and return when you're ready.
Release
You've chosen to release this in love. That is a real and costly act.
Choosing to release this privately does not waive your ability to report this through formal channels later if needed.
Is it possible that the other person would describe this situation differently than you have? If so, consider whether releasing it serves them or only serves you.
If there is any possibility that the other person experienced harm from your actions, releasing this privately is not sufficient. Speak with your member care provider or pastor before closing this chapter.
Even if you release this privately, consider whether others need to know that peace has been made.
Step 8
Before you plan the conversation, pause.
Let your insight shape what comes next.
You chose to send an intermediary. Consider:
You indicated you're unsure. Use this section to prepare for your conversation with a counselor, not with the other person directly.
To restore the relationship? To be proven right? To feel less guilty? Be honest.
This may be very different from how you would want to be approached.
Consider the approach most likely to be heard. In some relationships, direct "I" statements work. In others, an indirect approach shows greater respect.
Consider whether this conversation should happen in your shared language or theirs.
Summary
Here's what you wrote. Take it with you — and come back whenever you need to.
This is your personal document. Nothing is saved to this device — when you close this tab, it's gone. Save a backup below if you want to keep it. Use caution before sharing — discuss with your counselor or pastor first.
If this same conflict resurfaces within 2–4 weeks, don't repeat this process alone — contact your member care provider, pastor, or counselor. If you don't have access to one, contact your sending church or your organization's home office.
Based on the Peace Pursuit model. This document is a personal spiritual exercise, not professional advice or an official record.